This is a common theme of this academic school year. 

 Fuck. 

Although life is difficult I'm not one to give up. 
I'm glad that one of my main strengths is positivity.
I'm extremely naive but in all honesty I hope it never goes away.
Because I have it I have love.
And as someone once said "where there's love, hope will find a way."
Sounds weird and conceited but I know I have a big heart.

I will never give up. I may get down on my luck but I will never let myself succumb to being the main character that fails.

I'm lost.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I have no sense of how to prioritize right now.

I don't know what I care about anymore.

How do I choose between any of the things in my life?

Everything in life matters to me.

Where am I going?

How do I pick a path...

How do I know that it's the right one?

Who am I letting down?

Who needs my help that isn't getting it?

I need a constant.

I need train tracks.

I need someone to keep me sane.

I need to find my way again.

I'm lost. 

When will things happen?

I don't have the time.
I don't have the words.
All I have are dreams that can never happen.
All I have are feelings I can never show.
How do I move on from something that I want,
from something that I need?

The path I'm headed down
The path away from what I want
is a path that leads me from basic needs.
Already I'm losing sleep
Already I'm losing

My coping mechanism is flawed.
Becoming more busy
Distracting yourself from getting too close
These should never be solutions
And yet I find myself here

When will things happen?
When will things change?
When will someone save the savior?

I personally think that I try way to hard to be different.

As I watch hate videos about race and sexual orientation on Youtube I realize that, on a more general level, I don't like being a part of groups. Groups lead to generalizations by other people about who you are as an individual. Generalizations are like burning liquid acid to me. I think I crave being different way too much.
I fear being labeled or boxed or categorized with other people. Which is a weird thing to want. I mean don't most people want a sense of belonging? I've also realized something else recently. I try to understand people by comparing them to me and then analyzing the factors that make us different. But now that I ponder it... I think most people do it but they probably just don't think about it. And as I meet people I learn about how they grew up as children and come to know of how difficult and horrible most upbringings are. But mine... it was so easy... I mean sure my family went through bankruptcy but I really don't think it has ever affected me. I wanna say that maybe it's just my personality that has made life seem easier than it actually has been. I mean I'm a naturally positive person... most bad things seem to just glide off of me. 

Because i'm tired i'm going to end this prematurely... with...
Can anyone truly understand another being completely? My answer is no. What's yours?

Enough said. And don't even think about making a that's what she said joke even though it wouldn't make sense to.

Being sick 'n' all.... being that I have a sinus infection... and that I'm getting slightly hungry although that doesn't really matter...
I'm starting to learn weird things... such as I don't really need things I just want them... This is rather a weird realization to come to in my opinion because of my generation and mostly because of my interests.

So as of now I decided that I want a gaming computer (desktop) and then I thought to myself wow do I really need that? I mean look how much it costs is this really the right decision for a poor college student? The answer is obviously no.
I also find it weird that I'm learning this because I also spend quite a few dollars on Anime as well... Do I REALLY need any of it? Part of me would disagree with the part that's saying no for a particular reason. Storyline. You could say that watching Anime is very similar to reading a book or watching a movie or any TV show. You become attached to the characters and you lose yourself in an alternate reality. This I have found in these almost 20 years, is very addictive.

What I think that I should start focusing on... heaven forbid... is taking care of my body, such as eating healthy and exercising and studying because guess what, I'M AT SCHOOL! We have a winner! I could be doing so much more granted I'm guessing a lot of people could be. Now there's just a few slight problems of changing learned habits, such as not studying, exercising, or doing much of anything that pertains to the betterment of either me or society.

This is indeed a very high task for myself and hopefully for others.

I've been thinking a lot while being sick. It would seem that since I am unable to do much of else because my brain feels like it is being blended in a .... BLENDER while also being compacted inside of a WALL-E inside of a WALL-A.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I left my computer
that is why I left a ~ trail. I talked with my RA for 3 hours about I think 2000 topics okay so maybe it was 200 but still. It was like Greek Mythology to life careers to troublesome residents to LOST to computers to credit cards.

So I remember what I wanted to talk about before I left...
I always seem to fall for some random guy... a lot... ugh it is ever so distracting.
What makes it even worse is that I always fall for straight guys... yay..........not.
However I have horrible gaydar so once again I can't tell if the guy that I'm falling for is gay or not...
Part of me just wants to come right out and ask him but I think that's sort of a horribly rude question to throw at someone.
Even if he is gay the bigger question still.... would he even like me? The odds never look good for me. ever.

I'm going back to bed now and I'll wake up feeling just as sick and just as depressed as always but with a slight hint of hope, however small it may be. That maybe just maybe, he'll be gay, he'll like me, I can break the mold that I've made for myself, I can start to take better care of myself and do not only my job well but also well in academics.

I'm just stressed out so much...

1. My grandparents were in a car accident
2. I have an interview today
3. I'm falling for someone
4. I didn't do as well as I wanted to on midterms
5. A large scale program tomorrow

My stress level feels so high that I feel like i'm going to burst.
I need to take deep breaths... lots and lots of deep breaths...

But I think this will turn into what my old LJ was... a place for me to mope and complain once a month or more.

So because I don't feel like ranting all that much I'll probably just bullet what I'm doing this week.

1. Filming for our PAIR skit (Performing Artists In Residence)
2. Spending 24 hours with a Stay Over Person on Monday
3. Individual Interview for RA (Resident Advisor) on 6:20pm on Wednesday
4. Scheduling an Individual Interview for Summer CA (Conference Assistant)
5. Bio Midterm on Monday
6. Stats Test on Friday
7. PAIR on Thursday
8. Starting on my Korean History Term Paper
9. Supply Run for my program entitled "Sexytime"
10. Do a program proposal for a week 8 program
11. Take a gasp of air... because that's all that be able to have

....